Genshiken: Through the Cracks
by Holly Warner
Summary: [SakixOhno] Things seem to keep slipping out whenever I’m around her, I just can’t help myself. It’s like she pulls a hidden me out through the cracks.
1. Slippage

**A/N:** I decided to start posting this up since I've already gotten a few chapters of it finished, but I'm concentrating more on my Mai-HiME fanfic, The Circle of Sin. Still, updates for this shouldn't be too sparse!

Also, I apologise for the shortness of the first few chapters, they will get somewhat longer as the story progresses, I promise!

Last comment, this is somewhat AU I guess, since I started writing it after reading Volume 4 of the manga, and the time frames are sort of wonky, but apart from that, all's good, right?

* * *

**Genshiken:  
Through the Cracks**

_Things seem to keep slipping out whenever I'm around her, I just can't help myself.  
It's like she pulls a hidden me out through the cracks._

* * *

**Chapter One - Slippage**

Long strides carry me down the corridor, my pace hurried as I race towards this confrontation. I don't think I can take this any more; I've had to put up with his freak attitudes for too long. I can put up with the game playing, I can ignore his hentai games, I can even accept the chronic masturbation but last night was the final straw. After what happened, I just walked out, absolutely horrified. It's the last straw upon my back and I've finally had enough. Today is the day I end it between us, and escape from the freaks and geeks convention that is known as Genshiken.

As I reach for the door handle, I hear sounds from inside the clubroom. He'd already left for college when I reached his place, so he must be here. I take a deep breath and then burst inwards, words on my tongue but I swallow them as I see Ohno sat there, a book in her hands.

"Oh? Here by yourself again Saki-san?" she asks, looking up from what I assume to be another of her mucky queer doujinshi thingies.

"Kousaka's not here yet? Arg, the idiot!" Pulling a chair out from under the table, I sprawl into it, frustrated. I can't be bothered chasing him all over the college; he's probably in either the anime or manga clubrooms, but I'm loath to go to either. He'll come here sooner or later, and we can talk then.

"Are you alright Saki-san?" Ohno interrupts my thoughts.

I hesitate for a moment, what business is it of hers? But she's a friend I guess, even if she is a total otaku cosplay freak. "I... I don't think I'll be coming around here anymore after today."

Shock covers her face and I'm a little saddened by it. I guess what with all that we've been through together over the last few years, we're pretty close. "What? You're leaving Genshiken? What about Kousaka-san?"

"Yeah, I'm going to break up with him today. I don't want to do this anymore." I look downwards, studying the table intensely, trying to avoid Ohno's gaze. I don't know why, but I feel I'm kind of letting her down. Well, I will be leaving her alone in this den of wolves, but then, I doubt any of them have the guts to actually do anything to her, and she's going out with Tanaka now, so he'll protect her.

"What actually happened?"

"Ah, I don't want to talk about it." Again, I see her expression change, and it pains me a little. "Well, I mean, not here. We can go to a bakery or something later? Or are you going to be busy with Tanaka?" I have to admit, that while I dislike Tanaka - I think he's even more obsessive than Madarame in his own freakish way - he's pretty good for Ohno. I like seeing her make that cute little blushing face of hers, the one she makes whenever she's embarrassed, hiding away behind that ridiculously long fringe, and she seems to do it a lot more often recently.

"Oh... um, we don't have anything planned for today, so sure, we can." She gives me a small tight smile, showing me that she's still a little bit upset about that, but that it can be fixed with pastries. Hell, what can't?

"Y'know, talking about Tanaka," I continue, seizing upon this opportunity to turn this conversation away from my troubles, "shouldn't you make more of an effort with your appearance now that you're actually in a relationship?"

Ah, she just did it! That blush again, honestly, it makes me just want to cuddle her up and take her home with me. It's just too adorable, I swear. "Hmm, how about I give your hair a bit of a restyle? Ah, I know, I know," I say at her expression, before she can comment, "you keep your hair that long for cosplaying, but still, we can do a bit more with it than you have at the moment, can't we?"

I stop and take a good look at her; hand over heart, I have to admit that even I'm a little attracted to her, and certainly jealous. Her hair, while in an awful style, is really quite nice; her skin is pretty clear, which brings out her beauty spot; her lips are fairly full, her lashes are fairly long albeit a bit thick, but they work well with her large doe-like eyes. And of course, she's got those huge boobs: always an eye-catcher, those. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if she's a bit jealous of those with more, I don't know, average-sized breasts?

"Well... I suppose it couldn't hurt, could it? Maybe then he'd..." she trails off, looking down at her hands in her lap. I've got a sinking feeling as to what she means.

"You're still..." I start to ask, but stop. Do I really want to hear the answer to this? Ah, she's blushing even harder now, it's pretty clear she did mean that. I won't force the issue; I make her cry all too often as it is already. "You have a brush with you I can use?" I say as I rise from my seat and move around the table. After a few moments rustling, she procures it from her bag and hands it over. I stand behind her and lift some of her hair in my hand, letting it fall back down strand-by-strand. It really is good, fine hair.

As I start to brush it, Ohno asks, "Uhm, you're not going to do anything weird to my hair are you, like, make me look really dumb or something?"

Now there's an idea... "Of course I wouldn't do such a thing! I'm offended that you'd even think that of me?" I cry aloud, all the while thinking of what I can do to her, but my heart's not really in it. "I mean, this is my personal pride as a woman on the line here you know. If I want to open my own clothing store, I've got to be stylish in all ways, not just in my attire, and that includes your hair. So, naturally, I'm going to do my absolute best to find a way to bring out your inner hotness!"

Her back straightens and, though I can't see it from behind her, I suspect that she's smiling. "You think I'm hot?"

"You could be easily, but you don't really allow yourself to be. It's kinda frustrating actually. I mean, you think I'm pretty right?"

"Uh, erm... yes," she mumbles.

"Well, I think you can definitely be a lot prettier than I am."

Now I'm sure she's blushing and giving that sweet little smile of hers.

"It's a wonderful feeling."

"What?" I ask, caught off guard by her abrupt statement.

"Having someone brush your hair." Ohno gives a sigh, a sort of melancholy contentment maybe? "It's been years since my mother used to do it. I never realised until now just how much I miss it."

"Why did she stop?" I ask, continuing the brushing.

"I don't know, I guess I just grew up too much. It's hard to be 'Mummy's little girl' when I've got boobs as big as her head." Her tone's a little bitter, and I can't say I blame her. It was probably bad enough in America, but especially here in Japan where we're generally of a smaller stature in the chest department, she must draw a lot of stares and catty comments because of her gigantic bust.

"Do you know why God gave you such a large bosom?" I ask, heavily tongue-in-cheek. Stopping my brushing, I drape my arms around her neck and lean against her back, my face beside hers. "It's to hold your large heart."

Somehow, I know what I've just done is a mistake, something I shouldn't have, but what did it really hurt? I should be nice to her more often really. I straighten up again before turning back to the task at hand; now that I've given it all a good brushing, I start platting her hair into two large braids.

"Th... thank you, Saki-san." More mumbling, but you learn to listen up when you're talking to Ohno. It's one of those things that while they could be somewhat annoying, actually end up endearing her to you I guess.

"Of course, you know this means I'll have to do something really mean to you in the not-so-distant future to make up for all this kindness," I deadpan. I carry on braiding in silence, and I just know Ohno is trying to think of just what mean things I might do to her. Once I finally finish - there was a hell of a lot to braid - I turn to what I think is the real problem, Ohno's fringe. Honestly, that thing is ghastly; I move to seat myself on the edge of the table, facing her. My fingers stretch out, brushing her hair away from her forehead. Making up my mind, I set about creating a central parting, hooking the fringe into arched bangs, carrying them away from her face.

Done with that, but still, there's something not quite right here. Not that she looks 'bad', quite the opposite, but it's just somehow incomplete. It takes me a few moments to realise what it is that's missing, and then I lean back and reach across the table to grab my bag. A little bit of rummaging and I find what I'm looking for. Lifting her chin with my left hand, I tilt her face towards mine and put some lipstick on her lips. I lean backwards, hand still holding her chin, and check out the effect the makeup has on Ohno, and it looks pretty good. My eyes feel stuck on her lips and I run my thumb over them softly.

The next thing I know, my lips are against hers; I don't remember leaning down to kiss her, but I know that I surely must have. I snatch myself away, standing bolt upright. I just stare at Ohno, while she stares right back, and before I know it, I'm leaning down towards her again. As her eyes flutter closed, I pause. What the hell am I doing? I turn away and leave the room, not daring to look back or even wait to grab my bag before going. I just need to get away from there for now.


	2. Surveillance

**Chapter Two - Surveillance**

"Fuck!" I shout at the top of my lungs, ignoring the stares I get since I am thoroughly in need of a good venting. What the hell did I just do? Why did I do it? My mind is reeling and I'm not even too sure which way is up, let alone the reasons for my recent actions. Again I screech expletives at the sky, before flomping down onto the bench nearby. Digging into my pockets, I pull out my packet of cigarettes, and bring one up to my lips. Definitely need to get rid of the taste... I fumble around for a few seconds before I realise I left my lighter in my bag, and that's back in the clubroom.

"Fuck!"

Nothing seems to be going right today. I get back up from the bench and start walking; I've got some change in my pocket so I can buy a cheap disposable lighter or maybe a box of matches. I just really need to smoke right now, to burn off some of this stress and let it float away with the smoke. And quelling the nicotine cravings for a while would be good too.

Now I'm sat on another bench, puffing away, and doing my best to just concentrate on my cigarette. I really don't want to think about what just happened, about what I just did. I mean, I don't do that kind of thing, I don't kiss girls!

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

I hurl the cigarette to the ground and stamp it out furiously, screaming expletives the whole while. What the hell did I just do? Why? I sink back to the bench and hold my head in my hands. I can still feel the touch of her lips to mine, of her skin on my fingers, and her scent lingers around me. I can feel my shoulders shaking as I swallow down the wail that wants to come out. Sod this, I am NOT going to cry, no way in hell!

I rise to my feet once more, determined to just push it all away. I just lost my head for a moment, that was all. I'll go back, apologise to Ohno, grab my bag and then just leave. It's not like I'll be seeing her again, when I dump Kousaka, I'll have no reason to go back to... Shit. Kousaka. No, no regrets, that has to end, so what happened earlier is irrelevant to that. Yes, it doesn't matter, it was nothing at all, nothing to be concerned about.

I make my way back to the Genshiken club room, but I pause outside of the door. Trepidation claws its way up my chest but I swallow it back down, steeling myself inside. I reach out and open the door decisively to find not Ohno, but the President sat at the table. I catch myself feeling relief and it irks me, but I suppose it's natural to be happy to avoid confrontation. But that's not true, it's just delayed. I won't avoid Ohno, she deserves better than that.

"Uhm, hi."

"Ah, hello Saki-san," he says, looking up from the magazine he was reading.

I hesitate for a moment, before asking, "Did you catch Ohno before she left?"

"Hmm?" He looks at me with that weird expression of his. It annoys me, but then, most things related to the Genshiken annoy me. "Oh yes," he continues, "she was leaving just as I came in. Though... she was looking a bit red in the face. I wonder why?"

"I guess I'll see if she's alright when we meet up later," I lie quickly, when I remember that we were supposed to be going to a bakery together today. I quickly retrieve my bag, but as I turn to leave, I can see a weird expression on the President's face, and my blood turns cold at his lecherous smile. I stride out of the room quickly, slamming the door behind me.

The cameras. The bastard has cameras set up in the room, I just know it. He knows. He knows! Fuck fuck shit bastard fuck!

* * *

I barely pay any attention to the lecture I'm sitting through, my final one of the day, as my thoughts are racing through my head. Maybe he hasn't seen the tapes yet. If I get back to the clubroom as soon as I can, maybe I can find the damn cameras and snatch the tapes! Another horrible thought hits me. Do they broadcast the picture to somewhere else? Oh god oh god oh god oh holy god of shitfuck, I am so screwed. I swear I'm coming close to hyperventilating at the thought of that bastard watching me kiss Ohno. I just know he'll hold it over me, just like he did when he made me join Genshiken in the first place. But then... I searched the place for cameras back then and didn't find any, maybe there aren't any? Was he bluffing? Arg, I'm doing my head in like this.

As the interminably long class finally finishes, I hustle out of the room as fast as I can and make my way down the now-familiar corridors. My panic level is at an all time high and I'm praying nobody is in the room this time as I reach for the handle, and for once, luck seems to be going my way! Quickly closing the door behind me, I deposit my bag upon the table and begin my examination of the shelves, trying to ignore all the porn inches away from my face. It takes me ten minutes before I finally find what I'm looking for, cunningly poking out of a hole in a large folder-type thing. Retiring to the table, I flip open the screen and rewind the tape before hitting the play button. At first, a hand is block the screen but it quickly moves away, revealing the face of the President. I hold down the fast-forward button until I see Ohno enter the room. She quickly moves to the curtains, pulling them closed as I frown. She's wearing a dress, which certainly wasn't what she was wearing when I saw her earlier; it looks like one of her cosplay outfits, though why she has it on I have no idea. I check the date in the bottom-right corner of the screen and it's definitely today.

And then my breath catches as I see why Ohno drew the curtains closed. Quickly her fingers undo the clasps secreted away and I watch as it falls to the floor, revealing her body beneath, clad only in a pair of panties. I can hardly hear as the blood hammers its way around my head as I stare transfixed at her curves. I swallow, my mouth feeling dry as I lick my lips to give them some moisture. She bends over and opens the large bag she had brought with her and pulls out some clothes, the ones I remember her wearing, and she hurriedly puts them on. My fingers betray me, I swear I had no intention of doing it, but I find myself pressing the rewind button and watching her disrobe again and again.

Fuck.

I smack myself on the forehead and then hit the fast-forward button until I see myself entering the room. I watch myself brush and braid her hair, I watch myself drape my arms around her from behind and the blush that covers her face, I watch myself apply her lipstick, and... I watch myself kiss her. I pause the tape and put the camera down on the table. I try to push the two images out of my head, but to no avail. I realise I don't have time for this, I need to check and see if there are any more cameras in the room. I rise from my seat and throw myself into my quest, putting each camera I find onto the table. By the time the count reaches four, I think I've got them all. Looking about the room, the closet door catches my eye, and I figure I should check in there as well. As I open the door, a ton of crap comes falling out, nearly knocking me off my feet. I spit out a few curses, before I drop to my knees and start gathering the magazines and other rubbish up. I just jam it back in, swearing the whole time to myself as I do until I hear a choked cry from behind me. I whirl around and see Ohno standing there, one of the cameras in her hand.

Double fuck.

"You... you set me up!" She drops the camera to the floor and runs out of the room as I hear her starting to cry.


	3. Shopping

**A/N:** This was as far as I'd gotten when I started posting this fic up, though I have since finished chapter four, and have started the fifth chapter. It'll probably only be a four days to a week until I post up the next chapter, and I hope to be part way through chapter six by then. Here's hoping!

**gracie320:** Holy carp, a reader! And I thought I wrote these A/N's just for myself Well, I hope you're enjoying the story so far!

* * *

**Chapter Three - Shopping**

I stand there transfixed, the sight of Ohno's face wrought with sorrow as she looks at the camera and then at me stuck in my head. I briefly look at the camera and see the image of me kissing her on the screen, and her words come back to me. She thinks I kissed her because I was recording it, that I'd planned it all out!

Stooping quickly, I grab the camera and run from the room. I need to catch up with her, I need to tell her... what exactly? Fuck it, I'll think of that when I find her. The thought of the other cameras still sitting on the table back in the clubroom almost makes me stop, but I quickly erase that from my mind. I just HAVE to find Ohno first, I NEED to.

As I pass by the women's toilets, I hear the sound of crying so I slam on the brakes, praying that it's her inside. I slip in quietly and move towards the end stall from where I can hear piteous weeping coming from. Gently I knock on the door. "Ohno, is that you?"

"Go away!" she shouts back. Well, at least I know it's her.

"I'm not going anywhere until you let me explain."

"Just leave me alone! I don't even want to see your face!"

An idea hits me and I slip into the next stall and step up onto the toilet seat. Offering a silent praise to the west for creating these much more modest commodes, I pull myself over the partition wall, startling Ohno. As I drop into the cramped space, she starts crying even harder and I struggle to resist the urge to just wrap my arms around her and hold her close. I drop down onto my knees before her, wincing at the thought of just what I might be kneeling in, but ignoring it nonetheless. I raise my free hand to her face, the other still holding the camera, cupping her cheek.

She slaps the hand away, indignation flashing in her eyes, but it quickly fizzles away when she looks at me. I guess I look as bad as I feel.

"Please Ohno, I know you've got no reason to believe what I say, but it's really not what you think. I didn't set you up, I didn't even realise the cameras were there until later," I whisper.

Uncertainty crosses her face as she starts to doubt herself. Quickly, I push the camera into her hand. "Watch it from the beginning, you'll see I didn't put them there."

She flinches briefly, before looking down at the camera. She inhales sharply as she sees the President on the screen, and the blood drains from her face. "You really didn't..."

I mutely shake my head in response.

She pauses for a moment as another thought crosses her mind. "But then... how did you know the cameras were there?"

I look away for a moment before speaking. "Do you remember when I properly joined the Genshiken? That weird conversation me and the President were having?" Ohno nods in response. "Well, he kinda, uh... suggested that he may have some incriminating footage of me and Kousaka doing some things in the clubroom, and basically blackmailed me into joining."

"...Then why did you..." she trails off, blushing furiously, and suddenly I realise what she means, and I blush as well.

"I... wasn't thinking. I just... I don't know. I have no idea why I did it, I just did." My voice sounds pathetically small and it disgusts me. I am not some meek little creature, so why am I acting like one? I rise up to my feet, my knees aching a little bit from the hard tile floor. "I need to get back to the clubroom fast," I say as I turn to unlock the stall.

"Wha... why?"

"I left the other cameras on the table, and I need to get rid of them before anyone else finds them."

"Oh god..."

Opening the stall door, I start to leave but Ohno calls out to me. "Uh, what do I do with this?" she asks as she gestures at the camera.

"Keep it," I say, giving a grin for what feels like the first time in ages. "It serves the bastard right to lose the damn things. Teach him to spy on us!"

She gives me a little smile, and I feel a large weight lifted from my chest. She's gonna be alright I think, so long as I get the rest of those cameras first.

* * *

I thank my lucky stars once more as it seems like nobody has been to the clubroom since I left. Grabbing the three remaining cameras, I stick them in my bag, grinning to myself. Screw the bastard, if he asks where they are, I'll just deny all knowledge of the damn things, and if he tries to stir up trouble, I've got evidence of his misdemeanour right here. He's not the only one who can do a little blackmail!

Feeling pretty good about myself, I take my bag with me as I leave the room, making my way back to the toilets. I don't see Ohno on the way, so I assume she's still in there. I poke my head in and I can hear her crying again. Quickly I move to the end stall, finding it unlocked this time. She looks up at me as the door opens, her eyes red and puffy as tears streak down her face.

"What is it? What's wrong?" I ask.

She drops the camera into her lap as she throws her arms around me, sobbing into my shoulder. Gently I take the camera and hold it so I can see what's showing and I realise what set her off this time; she just saw herself undressing in the clubroom.

"Have you... uh, done that a lot?"

"Uh-huh," she mumbles, and I tighten my grip on her. God, I am so going to kill the bastard.

I must have said that last bit aloud because Ohno pulled away from me and looked me in the eye, saying, "Don't. It won't make anything better."

I'm seething inside, but there's no point arguing about this since I know she's right really. I get back to my feet, pulling her up with me. "Come on," I say as I take her hand in mine, "I know what always cheers me up."

"What's that?" she asks, wiping her tears away with her free hand as she gives me a brave little smile.

I resist the urge to hug her again and reply with a grin. "Shopping!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" she wails as I grin evilly, dragging my victim away.

* * *

A few hours later, we collapse into seats at our favourite bakery, laden with clothes and various things we don't need. I surprised her when I suggested we also go to a bookshop or something so she could get some manga or whatever crap she wanted, but I guess I owed her that for forcing her along with me. It certainly brought a smile to her face though, something I was glad to see after the day we've had. Just as long as she doesn't try to make me cosplay again!

We sit there for a few moments, an awkward silence gathering around us. My mind drifts back to earlier today, when I told her that I was going to break up with Kousaka, when I said we'd talk about it here.

"So, uhm..." Ohno mumbles.

I suck in a big breath before expelling it again. "I guess we need to get this out in the open, don't we?"

She looks down at her hands in her lap, before nodding mutely.

"I don't know why I did it, I really don't," I say. "I mean, you're attractive and all, but you're a girl! I honestly have no idea why I..." I choke on the words, unwilling to say them out loud.

"...kissed me," Ohno concludes for me, still averting her face from mine.

"Yeah, that." The image on the camera of me kissing her flashes across my mind and I shudder a bit, remembering just how her lips felt, pressed against mine. "I... just... I'm so sorry I did that to you. I swear to you, I won't ever do that to you again."

Her head snaps up and I'm surprised at the look in her eyes. Is she... sad to hear me say that? She looks away again and I'm unsure. A few moments pass before she looks up at me, opening her mouth to say something, but her mobile picks just that moment to ring. Fucking thing.

As she looks at the screen, her face goes taut before she hits the answer button and brings the phone to her ear.

"Hi Tanaka." Those two words hit me like tombstones and I feel like a complete and utter bitch. Of course she wasn't disappointed by what I said, she's got a boyfriend who she loves. What the hell was I thinking? And then I realise that at least a little bit of me wanted her to be disappointed by it. Shaking my head, I find I'm gripping the edge of the table so hard my knuckles are turning white so I release it, putting my hands in my lap like Ohno had just a few minutes ago. She hasn't noticed, still talking to Tanaka on the phone.

"No, I'm with Saki-san at that French bakery place. Yeah, 'Profiterole', that's the one." She looks up at me quickly, a bewildered expression on her face, quickly changing into one of shock. "You're coming right now? Well I, uh... sure. Alright, see you in a few!" Flipping the phone closed, she set it down on the table, staring at it for a few moments.

"I should go. I... don't think I should be here when Tanaka arrives," I say coolly as I rise to me feet. "Besides, I don't want to get in-between the two of you. I know you've got a lot to talk to him about today."

"What? Oh... oh god, what am I supposed to tell him?" Panic suffuses her features, and my hand moves on its own, rising to brush against her cheek. As it touches her, she freezes for a moment and I snatch my hand back.

"Sorry, wasn't thinking. Uhm... tell him however much you need to, don't worry about me. I can deal with whatever happens by myself, I'll be fine."

"Right... you're right of course."

"Look, Tanaka'll be here in a moment, so I'm gonna head off. I'll... see you tomorrow, alright? We can talk about it some more then."

Grabbing my bags, I stride out of the shop quickly before the urge to turn back and look at her again takes over.


	4. Slumber

**A/N:** Oops, I left it a bit long updating this, didn't I?

**marnika:** Thankfully, Saki is quite a fun character, and get to turn her into a potty-mouth, just like me. She's also pretty much the most rounded character in the anime/manga, showing several facets of her personality, making her easy to get to grips with.

**sf:** That's probably the biggest difficulty for me here; writing a shoujo-ai fic where all the guys aren't completely treated like crap. But then, imagine how Madarame or Kuchiki would react? Way too easy to just take the piss out of them! xD

* * *

**Chapter Four - Slumber**

Sinking down onto the bed, thoughts run riot through my brain, leaving me feeling fried. I find it hard to believe that all of this has happened in just twenty-four hours, that everything I've known for the last few years could be so completely and utterly turned upon its head. It was only last night I was with Kousaka and... IT happened. No, I don't even want to think about it, it was just that horrible. And then the next day, today, all that happened between me and Ohno... A part of me wishes it could be a fly on the wall in her conversation with Tanaka, so that I could know what was being said about, well, me and her.

Now there's a thought, me and Ohno. Just what the hell was going on between us? I just... god, I don't want to think about it. No, I WON'T think about it. It was just some totally random thing and I'll go into the Genshiken tomorrow and everything will be back to normal.

...but I won't be going back to the Genshiken tomorrow now, will I? I still need to break up with Kousaka, don't I? How the hell did I forget that? It's just this damned day, it's really messed me up. I wish it would just go away, that it had never happened. I just don't need this crap right now in my life.

No, what I'll do is I'll just go to sleep. I can go into the Genshiken tomorrow, talk to Ohno so we're all sorted out, and then break up with Kousaka and never set foot in the Genshiken ever again. I mean, I'd like to stay friends with Ohno and all, I honestly do like her, though it might be all weird between us now. I hope it isn't; god knows I wasn't looking for a friend in that situation but I definitely found one. I do honestly care about her... just not that way. I'm just getting confused, that's all. I'm definitely not gay. Would I have put up with Kousaka and all his crap if I was? Hell no, I'd have kicked his ass to the kerb long ago and been glad of it. I yawn loudly before continuing my thoughts. No, I'm definitely not gay. Definitely not gay. Completely and utterly not gay. Not in any way shape or form. So not gay...

* * *

My eyes fly wide open as I wake, my body covered in sweat, moisture pooling between my legs. What the hell was that dream? Her touch, her smell, her smile... Arg, it's just my brain being all weird. It's only because I... because of what happened yesterday. It's not like I've ever had dreams like that about other women before, so I'm sure it's just a reaction to that kiss. It'll all be over soon enough. Still... it was kinda nice. 

Rolling onto my side, I peer across the darkened room at the neon green glow of my alarm clock and muffle a curse. It's only one in the morning and I just know I won't get back to sleep. If I did, I'd probably only dream of Ohno again, and that's the last thing I want to happen. But then, what the hell else am I gonna do?

I dismiss the first thought my body offers, instead rolling out of bed. I pad quietly through the hall to the bathroom, turning on the shower. I try to think of nothing but getting myself clean as I rub the bar of soap over my body, scrubbing furiously as if I could remove the thought of her, of that dream. It doesn't work, but a girl can hope can't she? It's all just... too much for me. I really don't need all of this right now.

Grabbing a towel as I step out of the shower, I quickly dry myself off before returning to my room to grab my robe and cigarettes. Pull it on, I go out onto the balcony and light up, sucking down big clouds of thick smoke into my lungs. The moon is full and bright, glimmering in the night sky. I kinda wish I didn't live in Tokyo on nights like this, so that I could look up and see the stars clearly. I remember back in elementary school, when the teacher asked us what we wanted to be, my dream was to be an astronaut. All the other girls wanted to be housewives or some boring crap like that, but not me, no way. It didn't last long, but oh well. I suppose I wasn't really much of a girly-girl when I was young, and while I guess in some ways I'm still not, I'm a lot better than I used to be. Well, not better, more feminine.

Tossing my cigarette over the side, I go back to my room, collapsing on the bed. I feel completely awake, no chance of sleep in the near future. As I look around the room, my eyes stop upon a small pile of books teetering over the edge of my desk. To hell with it, I'm bored and I might as well; I grab the stack and curl up on the bed, opening up the first one. I can't tell Ohno about this though, she'll never let me hear the end of it: me, the non-otaku, reading Kujibiki Unbalance. Or maybe I'll just read it and hate it. Certainly, if I like it, I won't say a word. So not giving her that bit of ammunition!

It's dawn before I know it and I'm still unsure why I'm reading these. It's not that they're especially bad, but they're really not very good. Everyone just seems so... stupid. Instead of getting things out into the open, they let them fester, bubbling up inside and eating away at their spirit. I guess being open is important, but it's all good and well saying that about characters in a stupid manga, what about real life? How am I supposed to talk about it when I don't even know what it is?

I say that, but I know full well what it is, I'm just not being honest with myself. I kissed her. I kissed her because I wanted to. I didn't just think to myself, oh I'm going to kiss her, but that's exactly what I did. On some deep primal level, I wanted to do it.

So what does it mean? I'm attracted to her? Well, she is pretty, even with that hair. And she's a good person, I really enjoy spending time with her. It's funny actually, before she joined the Genshiken, I had lots of friends away from all of the geekiness, but I guess I've been neglecting them more and more in favour of her. Is this one of those subconscious things? Have I been trying to spend more time with her because...

This is stupid. I'm sitting here, trying to reason all of this crap out. Hah, what a laugh. There's nothing to work out, I'm not gay. And even if I was, which I'm not, she isn't anyway. I mean, what about her baldy fetish? Or all the yaoi doujins she reads? She likes guys way too much to ever be a lesbian.

Still, I could do with talking to her. We didn't really get any resolution yesterday because of Tanaka. I mean, she's a good friend, I don't want this to become something that comes between us. Looking at the clock, I see it's almost six in the morning. I grab my bag and head out of the door, sparking up a cigarette as I make my way through the streets. There's not many people travelling on the train in the same direction at this time of day, so I actually manage to get a car all to myself. It's kind of surreal actually, a Tokyo train that's virtually deserted, the still rising sun shining in through the windows, the only sound that of the train itself. It's one of those bizarre moments where everything is serene, and it all just clicks. Like maybe there is a sense of purpose to everything in this world. I like stuff like that, it makes me feel kinda privileged to witness it.

The train ride itself doesn't last all too long, and it's only a few minutes walk from the station to my destination. I stand outside, staring at the building as I smoke another cigarette, hesitant to enter. I take one last drag, stamp it out and steel myself before I go inside. I knock on the door, silently thanking the heavens for the fact that Ohno lives alone, like I do. I wait about a minute, but there's no response, so I knock again, harder and longer this time. I can hear movement inside, and a few moments later, the door opens, but it's not her whose there.

"...Tanaka?"


	5. Savaged

**Chapter Five - Savaged**

"Kasukabe-san? What are you... no, wait, come in please," Tanaka says, stepping away from the door. What on earth is going on? As I go inside, it hits me. The only reason Tanaka would be here this early in the morning is if he stayed the night.

"Uh, should I be here? I can go if you want," I say, suddenly feeling really uncomfortable and off-balance. I mean, what the hell? Yesterday we kiss and then she fucks Tanaka?

No, that's not fair on her. I kissed her, not the other way round. And she did kind of complain about, well...

"No! Please, it's really alright. I could, uh, use your help actually."

I just stare at him as he looks at me expectantly. Too many horrible thoughts running through my head for me to dare open my mouth. What the hell help does he need me for? Wait, surely he doesn't mean... My thoughts taper off as I hear the sound coming from the bedroom, and I'm in there before I know it, sinking to my knees beside Ohno and pulling her into my arms.

I'm not sure how long it is we hold each other like that, her crying piteously as I wrap her up tightly against me, a hand gently stroking through her hair. It's only when I hear movement that I turn my head to look at Tanaka once more. Rage fills me and I swear on all that is holy I'm going to hurt him if he's done something to her. "What did you do?" I growl at him, rising to my feet.

"What? I... nothing!" he protests, waving his hands in front of him, but I'm not buying it for a single second.

"What. Did. You. Do." I hiss through clenched teeth, my fists balled up by my side.

"I didn't do anything! She was just crying, I don't know why!"

Quickly I step in, grabbing him by the lapels. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" I scream, full volume in his face.

"I don't know! She was just crying when I woke up this morning!"

Confirmation. He did stay here last night. "The two of you... slept together?" It's barely a whisper as it escapes my lips.

Hands grab my hips from behind. "Don't! Don't..." I hear Ohno say, but I don't dare turn around to look at her.

"You did, didn't you?"

"I... yes."

And there it is, reality. Gently, I release my grip, smoothing down his lapels, though I can't bear to look up at him. "Just... go."

"What?"

"Please, just go Tanaka. I'll deal with this."

"I, well... alright. Thanks Kasukabe-san." He picks up a bag from where it sits in a corner, and taking one last look back at Ohno, he leaves the apartment.

I don't know how long it is the two of us are silent, me just standing there, facing away from Ohno, as she clings to my waist, her forehead resting against the hollow of my back.

"I... I'm so sorry," she mumbles.

Slowly I turn around, sinking to my knees before her. "What for? You haven't done anything wrong Kanako." I brush away a tear as it rolls down her cheek. "There's nothing wrong with being with someone you love, is there?" I place a soft kiss on her forehead before wrapping her up in my arms, her head resting in the crook of my neck. I know I should smile, but I can't. My face feels like it's made of stone, utterly impassive to the world. I don't think I dare let my emotions show; surely I would break down if I were to.

* * *

Things are... weird between us now. The aftermath of that kiss will always hang around, casting a shadow over us, but that's how it has to be I guess. We're still good friends, better than ever really. We study together, still eat at Profiterole and Shichimei Kan together, get dragged out shopping by the other, and generally spend a lot of time together. 

I'm still with that dummy Kousaka, and we're not doing too badly. Sure, I get royally pissed off at his total Otaku side, but there are times when he's so sweet to me. Ohno and Tanaka are going strong too, and she's growing as a person too. She was so meek and reserved when she first came to the Genshiken, but she's showing other sides of her character these days, whilst still being just as sweet as always. As long as she's not having another one of her snits. And of course, we're all still in the Genshiken. That Kuchiki idiot from last year came back and signed up, as well as this really weird girl called Ogiue. I swear, her hair looks like a paintbrush or something. She's utterly hilarious really, her attitude towards Otaku, despite the fact she totally is one herself. It's so easy to poke fun at her, and it's amusing to watch her and Ohno clash. Sometimes I think I've heavily influenced Ohno in some of her inventively cruel tricks she plays on Ogiue, though she has a long way to go until she reaches my level of proficiency.

There are times that I feel really bad about all of this though. Late at night, when I'm just laying there, I remember the taste of her on my lips, the feel of her pressed against me. The truth is, and I've only come to realise this recently, is that I love her. And yet, it's like I'm playing games with all of them. I'm in a relationship with Kousaka, even though I love someone else. I'm best friends with Ohno, even though I want her so badly it makes me ache. I even make efforts to get on better with Tanaka, and yet, I long to steal his girlfriend from him.

But none of that is going to happen, is it? She loves Tanaka, she gave herself to him, and I just have to go on with my life. Logically, I know I should get away from her, steer clear of the Genshiken, but I'm like a moth to the flame, I guess. I get burned again and again, but I'm still hovering around, unable to escape this attraction.

Two years. Two years until I graduate. Maybe then I can shake myself free of this, and get on with the rest of my life. But the cracks are still here with me, and I think they always will be.

**The End**

* * *

I figure those of you reading this are pretty caught off guard by this ending, but I guarantee you aren't nearly as surprised as I was! I honestly had no intention of ending this fic quite so soon, nor in this way, but as I sat down to resume writing this chapter (I wrote the first 270 odd words the same day I finished chapter four), this idea suddenly hit me. I realise that it may well disappoint you, but this is the ending as it should be. From what I thought was going to end up being a somewhat AU fic, it's managed to tuck itself right back into the manga continuity quite easily. The biggest thing I like about this ending is that it doesn't set in stone that the two never end up together, just that they aren't right now. As Saki says in the last line, she's still vulnerable to Ohno, still longs for her, so there's always a chance. It's just not happening right now. 

Truly, I hope you can all forgive me for doing this to you, but to me, this is definitely the right way to end Through the Cracks. And now I suddenly have more time for that Shoujo Kakumei Utena fic that's been bugging away at me...

I hope to see you all again, reading another of my stories! (Maybe one with an actual happy ending! ZOMG!) Thank you, and happy reading!

_-- Holly Warner (08/10/06)_

_(Oh, and you might want to think about checking the thread for this story on the Shoujo-Ai forums. A little extra for this story should pop up there in the next few days!)_


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